On Embracing My Pregnancy After Miscarriage
We lost our baby last year when I should have been about 10 weeks along. You can read all about that experience HERE. Throughout those 10 weeks, I wasn’t happy. I wanted the baby, but I was consumed with fear and worry. Outside of not sleeping the entire two months, I didn’t have any symptoms. I wasn’t concerned about my symptom-less pregnancy, though. It was early, I told myself. And maybe this pregnancy would be easier than my first one. When I heard the doctor tell us that she wasn’t able to find a heartbeat, however, nothing she could say could convince me that I hadn’t killed my baby with negative thoughts. In fact, on my way to my appointment that morning a friend had asked:
“are you excited??!” To which I replied, “No. I’m not, actually.”
And I wasn’t. This lack of excitement, my incessant worry, and the dread that weighed on me for months all seemed to join forces to do away with an innocent life that had tried, without much help from me, to make it into this world. Indeed, I was certain I had failed my poor baby in such a profound way that I thought I would never forgive myself.
My feelings weren’t rooted in reality. The reality is the baby had probably suffered from some chromosomal defect rendering the pregnancy nonviable. Negative thinking had nothing to do with it. But God knows, my guilt was real, and it went on for months, and months, and months. Friends and family kept asking if we’d try again, and the thought that I, a murderer, should be blessed with another life to bring forth seemed too great a risk, emotionally. Physically I was fine, but mentally, chile. How could I carry a new life, when I’d wake up every day disappointed that I had not died in my sleep?
But I survived. How I managed it without therapy or medication is beyond me, but I survived it. So much so that I am now 18 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby.
And we are excited. It took me a year, but we finally said eff it and threw caution to the wind. We certainly didn’t try to get pregnant, but we know how babies are made so I won’t go so far as to say it was an accident. We want this baby. We love this baby. But this pregnancy is different from my first two.
For one, I know what’s going on with my body so I’m not surprised or excited by every little change. I’m also taking things much more slowly. We didn’t even tell our families until I was 14 weeks along. I have absolutely no interest in finding out the baby’s sex, so sorry folks, there won’t be a gender reveal happening here. In short, we aren’t really planning. We’ll be prepared when the baby gets here, but we have 5 months. For now, we’re just enjoying the ride. I was worried about our finances with the last pregnancy, and I’m still worried about our finances, but I’m not allowing that worry to center around this new life. Last year taught me that life goes on as intended with or without my added worry, so what’s the point?
So if you’re pregnant with a rainbow baby my advice is to just let it go. Life is going to be what it is without any added interference from you. Enjoy it as best you can, and be grateful for the second chance. And if you’re trying for a rainbow baby, relax and release. Our bodies can typically carry another baby within weeks of miscarrying, but I’m an advocate for emotional and physical healing before taking on the task of carrying a new life. Pregnancy hormones aren’t for the faint of heart, so make sure you’re ready before trying again.