It’s Week ______ of Quarantine Life And I am Not Okay

I am healthy. My children are healthy. My family members are all healthy. I am not being abused. I have food, I have shelter, and I am working from home. In the grand scheme of things, I am blessed beyond measure, and I do not take that blessing for granted.

selfcare and mental health during pandemic

But low-key? Between us? I am not okay.  And this is the only space where I feel I can say so out loud and without fear of judgment. 

And yes, I can rattle off a list of complaints about our current way of life: pandemic schooling, working from home with two small children (one of them an exclusively breastfed baby), decrease in income, increase in the cost of living, etc, but none of that begins to scratch at the surface of what I’m feeling which, ultimately, boils down to two things: exhaustion and fear.

I’m exhausted. Children require around the clock care and attention. They are mine and I love them, but I’m accustomed to getting small breaks here and there. Whether it’s the break that comes with school or the breaks I get from my extended family members who keep them from time-to-time, some respite is our norm. 

selfcare and mental health during pandemic

But this, our current way of life, is not normal.

And beyond all of that. Beyond the exhaustion is this unrelenting fear. Each time we go out for essential supplies, for instance,  we are taking the chance that we could be bringing this virus back home to our families. And while they say children aren’t at risk, we’ve all read the articles about the many young and able-bodied people who have succumb to this illness. Will one of my children be next? My parents? My husband? My sister, a nurse practitioner in a COVID-19 unit who just last week asked us to try to help her secure some PPE? or even me? Will I be next?

Of course, you can’t give in to these thoughts. You must take each day, each moment, each breath at a time. If you’re religious or spiritual you pray. And I do. We do. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I often feel as though I’m being made to function while having a gun pointed at my head. And living like that, like this, is beginning to take its toll.  

The days seem to have no beginning and no end. And the mind, as far as I understand it, wasn’t built to compute this nonsensical way of existing. So here we are.  Are there people who are worse off? Yes, but that very logical line of reasoning does nothing to abate my anxiety, so rather than beat myself over feeling what I feel, I’m owning it. And between us? It’s okay for you to own it, too

When I considered writing this piece, it occurred to me that I should perhaps write something motivational instead. Perhaps tips on how to navigate pandemic living with children. Or how to date your lover during this time. I even considered creating an online book club. Ultimately, though, I decided that publishing this piece, while not necessarily uplifting, is important. This is a weird time. We feel weird. Our kids are being weird. We’re being stretched in ways we never thought possible, but we’re here. Together. So yeah, I’m not okay. But I will be. And you will be, too.

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5 Comments

  1. Lisa K Weeks says:

    Love You Sister; STAY STRONG.

  2. First off, you and your family are absolutely, perfectly beautiful. Secondly, I feel the same. This is all so abnormal and unnatural. Everyday I’m stunned that This is our way of life. Furthermore, I’m dealing with anxiety. Myself and my husband have underlying health conditions, as does our 12yo. I’m a housewife so I can stay home as much as possible but I’m going batty between the coronavirus news and the criminal psychopath squatting in the White House.
    I go out early mornings only for quick runs to grocery store or plant nursery. My plant collection has exploded in the last two months because that’s the only thing I’ve found that gives me any real peace of mind right now.

    There are no answers because we’ve never been here before but I can imagine some of the trauma and worry we face in this time is no different from what our ancestors faced. They overcame and so shall we, too, one way or another.

  3. Chelsi Kithcart says:

    Wow, it was so good to read this. I personally do not have kids yet but my best friend is currently going though this with my God daughter. As I have spoke to her during this difficult time, she has expressed the same to me. Although I can not fully relate, I appreciate you being vulnerable and putting out your real, authentic feelings at this time. -Chels

    P.S. I literally stumbled upon your website tonight and I love the content you produce!

    1. thanks so much! I appreciate the visit!

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